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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27688544">Peter Nureyev and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticSargassum/pseuds/SarcasticSargassum'>SarcasticSargassum</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Penumbra Podcast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>ADHD, Character Study, Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I love my space mom, Mental Health Issues, Minor Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Other, Parental Buddy Aurinko, Peter Nureyev Is Bad At Feelings, Peter Nureyev has ADHD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Self-Hatred, ao3 you fuck make that a tag, i mean that's kind of a given with him but still, possibly?, rsd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:08:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,462</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27688544</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticSargassum/pseuds/SarcasticSargassum</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buddy presses two fingers to her temple and sighs. “Really, Pete. I’m disappointed in you.”</p><p>They’re words he’s heard a thousand times- a few from her, many more from Vespa, and the vast majority from himself at any point in time. But here, now, alone in a room with Buddy Aurinko, who is looking at him with something he can only interpret as regret in her eyes-</p><p>It unravels something in him that he’s filed away for a very long time.</p><p>AKA Peter Nureyev has RSD and i hit him over the head with a folding chair and tell him to Cope</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>(only for a bit but its there), Buddy Aurinko &amp; Peter Nureyev, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>173</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Peter Nureyev and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warnings:<br/>- Nureyev has rejection sensitive dysphoria, which, for the uninitiated, is extreme emotional sensitivity/pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected/criticized by important people in their life. In this case, that person is Buddy, and this results in him crying in front of her. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with this, and Buddy doesn't judge him for it, but he judges himself pretty harshly. If that's not your vibe, feel free to click out now!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buddy presses two fingers to her temple and sighs. “Really, Pete. I’m disappointed in you.”</p><p>They’re words he’s heard a thousand times from a thousand different people,the vast majority from himself. But here, now, alone in a room with <em> Buddy Aurinko, </em> who is looking at him with something he can only interpret as regret in her eyes-</p><p>It unravels something in him that he’s filed away for a very long time.</p><p>The problem with beginning to unpack your emotions is that it turns out they’re terribly messy things. No matter how slowly you choose to do it, some will always creep out of the high-security vaults you put them in before you’re prepared to confront them- which will, of course, be one day, but could that not be <em> right now? </em></p><p>“Ransom? What’s going on in that head of yours?”</p><p>“Nothing,” he replies a little too fast, hoping the rush of sound disguises the treacherous quaver that accompanies it. </p><p>“Are you sure? Because…” Buddy is staring at him, slowly raising a hand to the area directly underneath her biological eye. “I hate to break it to you, darling, but you have a little something on your face.”</p><p>It isn’t until his fingers brush his cheek and come away wet that he realizes the true depths to which this situation has fallen. </p><p>He’s crying. </p><p>He’s crying in front of Buddy Aurinko. </p><p>Buddy Aurinko invited him onto her team and gave him perfectly reasonable criticism and now he’s<em> crying </em> in front of her like an <em> actual child </em> , which is just <em> wonderful. </em>She’s already disappointed enough in him, why not give her another reason to be? </p><p>Peter dabs at his face with his sleeve, already primed to run. He knows where everyone else on the ship should be, and if he takes a few shortcuts and clambers through a vent, he’ll be able to make it into Juno’s room in under 2 minutes without anyone else having to see him in this sorry state.</p><p>Well, anyone other than <em>Buddy fucking Aurinko</em>, who he is <em>still</em> <em>crying in front of</em>.</p><p>“Ah- Apologies, Captain. I don’t know what’s gotten into me today.” He laughs lightly, taking a step towards the exit. “I’ll keep your advice under advisement, and I am truly sorry about my blunders today. Is that… all?” <em> Please say yes, please say yes </em>-</p><p>“Actually, no, it’s not quite all.” Buddy cocks an eyebrow, pinning him to the spot with a pointed stare. “I see you trying to run, Pete. Don’t give me that look, it’s not about the mission. I… As I hope I’ve hammered into you by now, I think of this crew as a family, and while I want to make sure every one of our heists goes smoothly, I also want to make sure every one of <em> us </em> is alright.” She sighs, the stern expression slipping from her face for the first time that day. “I know I can be… strict, sometimes, and I will not apologize for that. But if I or anyone else on this crew ever goes too far, I trust you know you’ll be able to raise objection without anyone judging you for it. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel otherwise.”</p><p>And that’s what does it. He comes to Buddy with his many failures, lets his weakness leak out at the <em> worst </em> possible time, and to top it all off, <em> she’s </em> apologizing to <em> him. </em> </p><p>Peter is very, <em> very </em> ready to make a break for it at this point- it’s uncomfortable, but if he takes a right as soon as he sprints out of the lounge there’s a second vent he can fit into that he knows for a fact Buddy cannot. Then, he can hide in the safety of the first secluded corner he finds until either Buddy forgets this or the eventual heat death of the universe. </p><p>As much as he’d like to do that, though, he can’t. Buddy’s scrutiny is bolting his feet to the ground, leaving him unable to run. He tries to retreat far enough inside his own head to laugh at the fact that somehow, an uncatchable thief ended up with a crew of people who could freeze him in his tracks. It doesn’t work, and instead the blow of being <em> seen </em> just lands even harder.</p><p>He opens his mouth to apologize in turn, play this off as an allergic reaction, perhaps it was something in the vents and didn’t Jet say he was doing maintenance on the air filtration system? Yes, that’s it- blame this on sensitive lungs and disappear into the safety of Juno’s arms so Buddy will stop <em> looking </em> at him. </p><p>“No need to a- apologize, Cap-” is as far as he gets before his voice starts to tremble and crack.</p><p><em> Well, that’s not ideal. </em> He starts to try again, but can’t get it out without feeling tears come to his eyes. “I’m s-sorry. This is-” Peter furiously rubs his face with his sleeve, attempting to salvage his dignity. He forces out a watery chuckle, crossing his fingers and hoping some levity will soften the disdain Buddy must feel seeing him like this. “Th- this is terribly embarrassing.”</p><p>“Pete…”</p><p>“It’s not your fault in the s-slightest, Captain. You’ve done nothing wrong, just- just something wrong with me, I suppose.” It hurts so much more to say out loud, but he pushes the words through his teeth regardless. Buddy’s face warps and distorts through his tears, and he has to look away.</p><p>Then- there’s a hand on his arm and a shoulder clad in a ridiculously classy dress in the exact position to be leaned on. Peter has already shown so many weaknesses today, so he allows himself another- lets Buddy guide him to the couch as he tries and fails to regain any semblance of composure.</p><p>"There, there, darling... it's alright, just get it out. Don't apologize, just take your time." Distantly, he feels a steady hand rub circles on his back until his tears finally taper off with a last pathetic sniffle. He sits up and inhales to attempt another apology, but Buddy cuts him off before he can even start.</p><p>“So, Pete. Where do we go from here?”</p><p>“...what?”</p><p>“What would help to ensure this doesn't happen again? It seems like that came on rather suddenly. I’d like to know if anything specific triggered you, so we can stay away from it in the future.” </p><p>Nureyev freezes, because this is the part he already hates the most. This is the bit where he has to man up, look Buddy Aurinko in the eye, and admit that what pushed him over was completely unreasonable. “I believe it might have been when you said… when you said you were disappointed in me. As you may have guessed, I look up to you, given your accomplishments. Your approval means a great amount, and so I suppose your disapproval…” He resists the urge to curl into a ball and hunch his shoulders to create a barrier between him and the rest of the world- if only for the sake of posture. “I apologize, Captain Aurinko. You were fully within your rights to express displeasure with my work today, and so the fault for this… emotional outburst… lies solely with me. I’ll work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”</p><p>“I told you you didn’t need to apologize.” Buddy’s tone is strange. He’d expected exasperation, frustration at his inability to control himself- the same elements he’d let take hold of his tone. Instead, she sounds… almost fond. “I’m not upset at you, darling. If this had happened in the field or on a job, maybe, but here and now is objectively just about the safest space to have a breakdown.”</p><p>“I-”</p><p>“I won’t apologize for voicing my opinions on your performance today. You’re correct; I was well within my rights to do so. However-” Buddy shifts, and something in her posture softens. “I understand that things can be… stressful, at times. We all have bad days, darling, and I’m hardly going to judge you for it.”</p><p>“You’re… you’re not?”</p><p>“Of course not. I believe you’ve done quite enough of that yourself.” Buddy tilts her head, one hand absently toying with a stray curl. “As for making sure this doesn’t happen again- ‘this’ doesn’t mean you crying, I should specify, god knows you’re repressed enough-”</p><p>“I- <em> What? </em>”</p><p>“-but specifically crying when you don’t expect to; I can’t imagine it was comfortable doing so in front of me, what with the number of apologies you sobbed into my shoulder.” She holds up a hand before Nureyev can even inhale this time. “And no, Pete, that wasn't an invitation to apologize again.”</p><p>“I… didn’t assume it was.”</p><p>“Mm-hmm.” Buddy raises an eyebrow. “Now, where was I… right. I have a few ideas for future situations that I’d like to run by you.”</p><p>Peter feels a little dumbstruck. Nobody’s ever offered to work around this particular abnormality before- the kindest reception he’s ever gotten was decades ago, and still too blurred by the filter he’s placed on those memories to recall properly. He’s certainly never considered any solution that wasn’t keeping his distress behind an airtight seal and ignoring it, which Juno would probably have some choice words about. “Um- go right ahead, Captain.”</p><p>Buddy nods, opening her comms to the notes app. “First of all- some sort of signal or code you’d use to alert me if you felt unprepared for criticism at the moment. I would never judge you for using this, of course, and nobody else would know unless you told them. Would that work?” </p><p>It… sounds like it would, actually. “Yes.”</p><p>“Good. Ideally, I’d delay the family meeting so you’d have a few minutes to collect yourself. If that’s not possible, I’ll write down my notes for you specifically and give them to you so you can read them on your own time.” She looks askance at Peter and smiles when he nods. “Wonderful. Anything you’d like to add, darling?”</p><p>The guilt that’s been simmering in his gut since all this started begins to crawl higher, scaling his ribcage and digging its claws in. “Nothing, Captain. Just- I’m wondering why you’d go to all this effort to accommodate some… childish peculiarity.” </p><p>Buddy sighs and puts down her comms. When she turns back to him, there’s a glint in her eye he can’t place. “Ransom. If Juno was upset by an avoidable situation that seemed arbitrary to you, would you force him to go through it anyways?”</p><p>Nureyev’s brow furrows with the sudden topic change, but he answers anyway. “Of course not. I consider myself a far better partner than that, Captain.” Juno considers many of his triggers strange, and while Nureyev doesn’t understand some of them, he treats each one with the utmost respect and takes great pains to avoid hurting him. When he says as much, Buddy looks like she’s just won something. </p><p>“So what you’re saying, Pete, is that if there’s a way to prevent your family from having to face unnecessary distress, no matter the cause, you’ll take it?”</p><p>“Yes, but I don’t see what this has to do with-” Peter stops in his tracks. “...ah. I see what you did there.”</p><p>“Finally.” Buddy’s voice is altogether too smug, but he begrudgingly supposes she’s earned it. “Darling, I’ve been in this world for a long time, and I’ve learned there’s no way to truly control how you feel. You can lie to yourself about what it is exactly that you’re feeling, shove it all in some dark corner- but in the end, it really doesn’t do you any good. Those emotions are still there, and they still affect you.”</p><p>“As much as I’d rather they didn’t,” Nureyev sighs, admitting defeat. </p><p>“Exactly. We can’t help how our brains react to things, we can only help how <em> we </em> react to them- the coping mechanisms we use and the strategies we create. It’s taken years, but I’ve realized there are far more productive ways of being upset than beating myself up over it.” Buddy moves her hand from where it’s been playing with the hem of her blouse to rest reassuringly on Nureyev’s shoulder. He allows himself to lean into the touch just a little, grounding himself with the gentle pressure of her palm. “There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, darling. I just want to make sure that that way isn’t ‘woefully self-aggrandizing’.”</p><p>“I-” Peter feels tears come to his eyes again- somehow, he apparently had more stored away. The ugly sensation that’s been sitting behind his sternum for so long begins to melt, slowly replaced by something a little warmer. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Captain Aurinko.”</p><p>“It’s no problem, darling.” Buddy smiles, and suddenly she’s all business again. “Now, let’s get the finer details of the system squared away and then we can both get to bed. I think we’ve talked quite enough for one evening, don’t you?”</p><p>Nureyev chuckles, dabbing at the corners of his eyes with his sleeve and nodding. “That sounds perfect.”</p><p>It doesn’t take nearly as long as he thought it would to figure out the rest- they agree on a code phrase and nonverbal hand signal that would go unnoticed by the rest of the crew. Buddy notes it down in her comms while Nureyev commits it to memory, they say their goodnights, and go their separate ways.</p><p>Juno is waiting for him when he gets to their room, lying on the bed and staring forlornly at the ceiling. He sits bolt upright when Nureyev slips through the door, taking his hand as soon as he’s close enough. “What was that about?” His brow furrows in concern when his thumb comes up to intercept a tear track. “Nureyev… is everything ok? You look like you’ve been crying.”</p><p>Peter takes a deep breath, resists the urge to lie, brings his hand up to intertwine his fingers with Juno’s. “I- I have been, in fact. But…” He hesitates, trying not to judge the emotion that flows through him. “Buddy has helped me realize that’s not such a bad thing.”</p><p>Juno looks up at him, a smile breaking across his face. “Really?”</p><p>“What are you looking at me like that for?”</p><p>“Never thought I’d see the day Peter Nureyev cried in front of someone he hasn’t had a near-death experience with, is all.” Juno laughs, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “I’m<em> proud </em> of you, honey. You’re doing great.”</p><p>It still feels a little strange, being complimented on something he’d considered a weakness for so long- but with Juno grinning at him like that and Buddy’s reassurance still draped across his shoulders, Nureyev finds it’s a little easier to accept.</p><p>“Thank you, Juno.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>fun fact: this was called “*points at nureyev* i diagnose you with RSD cry in front of buddy NOW” in my docs. he's ABSOLUTELY adhd coded and i can and will die on this hill. rejection sensitive dysphoria is a little bastard, so if you have adhd/rsd, consider this me hugging you/patting you on the head/etc and telling you there's nothing wrong with the way your brain works!! you're totally poggers!!!</p><p>another note: in this fic buddy has a similar codeword system set up with juno and vespa because i say so and i like the idea of codeword systems :D</p><p>another ANOTHER note: apparently most neurotypical people don’t refer to their brains as a separate entity from themselves?? wack</p><p>anyways!! thats all i have to ramble abt this fic, i really hope you enjoyed it!! kudos and comments are my lifeblood, even if it's just a keysmash. if you liked this, feel free to stick around and check out my other fics- i'll be posting a lot more TPP content soon!! have a wonderful day/night/whenever you read this :&gt;</p></blockquote></div></div>
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